The Art of Giving Good Repair
The Pleasure of Facing it Head On …
Giving good repair is the most powerful gift you can give someone. It can offer a sense of trust, contentment and gratification. I know because when I got it, I had an awe-inspiring experience of forgiving everyone I held a grudge with — after one profound, heartfelt apology. It was a moment of being free, and open and loving with immense gratitude for all the gifts my past relationships had given me. A sense of staying in relationship even if it required different boundaries and agreements. It’s hard to explain it.
So when an apology, a deep, thoughtful, well waited out and considered apology is offered to someone who so needs it, it is a gift.
So why wouldn’t you give it?
Well, because it’s hard.
It’s hard to admit you’re wrong when you’re sitting in a shame bucket. It’s hard to look at someone whose guts you’ve ripped out, whose head you’ve bitten off. It’s hard to say I’m wrong, I’m imperfect, I’m not trustworthy. I hurt you. I disappointed you.
Getting it Bad and Good
In a recent relationship, I experienced a serious betrayal. It was so startling that it made infidelity more acceptable. Behaviors so against my values, so against what I thought this person stood for. I was shocked, confused, in disbelief.
Often times it’s not the original wound, betrayal, dismissal or other behavior that causes such shattering of trust, shattering of self — feeling like we can’t trust our perception, our intuition, our wisdom. It’s the justification, the blaming, the gaslighting, and continued lying and deception that is so damaging. That adds another layer of suffering on top of the original pain.
Before sharing space in a heart-centered gathering, I wanted a more positive outcome. I didn’t want this big awkward, first time being with each other to be the first time, and I wanted some peace in my heart. But I wasn’t prepared for what unfolded.
We met in a sacred grove where we had often hiked together. He was soft and non-defensive. He said had talked with friends and colleagues and gotten perspective. He came in humility, he came in truth.
Everything softened, all the hurt was released, surrendered to the Redwoods. In his heartfelt acknowledgement of the first 4 steps of repair, I forgave him.
And I not only forgave him, I forgave everyone who had slighted me, everyone I was holding resentment towards. Everything melted away in this moment. My heart was clear. I felt such awe and love came flooding back in even though I knew we would not be together.
And it was everything I wanted and needed. He came powerfully. Honorably. Vulnerably.
He owned that he had done this terrible thing, and then covered it up, and didn’t own it. He humbly admitted his meanness and cruelty. And in that moment, I could acknowledge my own meanness, my failings to be compassionate, understanding. All the anger I was hanging my hat on gave way to something softer.
We all have our mean side. What we do when we get hurt is not always our best. What do you do? Lash out, bring up every grievance ever ascribed, shut down, shut out, lash out? I’ve worked hard to give voice to the higher self rather than the lower one who wants to shred my ex’s belongings, tell everyone I meet how evil he is. I try to reign myself in and though I’m not always able to, I make amends quickly when I fail.
The Bad Repair Job
The limp lifeless response …
“I said I was sorry.” He said despondently. Accompanied with despair and hopelessness of ever bridging the gap of separation. Why isn’t this enough?
“I’ve said I was sorry a hundred times.”
Feeling the clenching teeth of indifference when expecting warmth and comfort…
Repair can be hard to swallow.
Often it’s not done at the right time, or it’s a knee jerk reaction and what’s expected. The person saying it isn’t in a real heart space but is saying it from a defensive, trying to smooth things over place, get out of the doghouse, feeling guilty, shame vortex kind of place. Not very sexy! This will not open their heart. It only exacerbates the situation leaving a bad taste in their mouth.
On the flip side, even when giving great repair, the person receiving maybe isn’t ready to receive it and hasn’t processed enough of the other emotions of hurt, grief, anger, that stand in the way of really being nourished by a heartfelt apology. Even Jack Kornfield, a leading Buddhist teacher says, “you can’t rush to forgiveness”. You can’t spiritually bypass these important stages of violation, shock, hurt, anger as they need to be metabolized, processed, digested. It takes time. Liken to an orgasm that needs to be nurtured along, given time to arrive in its own humble time.
When upsets don’t get adequately resolved, there is difficulty having completion. They continue to pop up in later discussions or are pulled into other disagreements. What does it take for them to really get complete?
Think about your own bad repair jobs. What was the worst repair job you ever gave? What was the worst repair job you ever received?
What was it about them that made them so bad?
5 Steps to Giving Good Repair
So what does it take to give good repair? What does it take to build resiliency?
1. Admitting it! Taking responsibility. If you make a mess, own up to it.
2. Really being sorry. Remorse. It’s about values, your code of ethics about how to be a good human being. Truth, honesty, do no harm. This takes getting out of yourself, and focusing on the other person in the equation. If you’re not sorry, then maybe some examination on your part is in order before you can give it good.
3. Acknowledging, seeing, and letting yourself feel the impact on your beloved. See their hurt, their anger. What did it make them feel, what do they doubt, mistrust? Think about a time someone hurt you, what was the impact to you? How can you connect to that with them from your own experience?
4. To be able to express that you have learned something or changed because of what you’ve learned.
a. Questions to Consider
i. What the heck would you do next time? Doing the same thing over and over with the same consequences is insanity. Learning about why you’re doing what you’re doing is essential to shining light on something important and making more conscious choices.
ii. What did you learn from this? What do you know about yourself, your partner, what’s important? How have you changed or grown?
5. What does your partner need from you now? And now? And now? This is an ongoing process of asking, checking in, her expressing difficult feelings and you asking again. Reassurance, transparency. The most enduring part of repair is the ongoing check-in about what the person on the other end needs now for rebuilding trust, for ease of their heart, for knowing they’re special/important/can count on you.
Tip: Rebuilding trust takes time. You have to stomach the guilt and shame to rebuild trust. Learn and grow, don’t shame and blame.
“Give the most powerful healing salve to your partner’s wounded heart and your relationship by practicing giving good repair.”
When it’s Time to Stop Apologizing
When it dries up …
It’s time to stop apologizing when:
· people keep you in a vortex of shame and use it against you
· when it’s never enough
· when you’re apologizing for being alive, existing, because you’re a woman, because you’re a man, because you feel wrong.
I saw Kevin Hart in an interview and in response to critics of something he did, he said “I’m not apologizing anymore.” It was unapologetic not-apologizing anymore and It was startling to hear. He talked about apologizing again and again and felt he had humbled himself and was moving on. Putting the brakes on apologizing is appropriate when you’ve done a good job of giving good repair and someone won’t accept it, gets gratification for persecuting you while they’re being the victim, or anything else. Know when it’s time to move on.
For help with any parts of giving good repair, contact Valerie Sher at drval@drvaleriesher.com. Up your repair game and see how it changes everything.
